Kitchin N1 London restaurant review

Well, after nearly 2 decades of perfecting my restaurant-choosing skills, I still occasionally slip.

I really don't know what possessed to me go for this 14-quid Thai-Indian-Italian-Chinese buffet this time against my lovely companions' advice. After all there are Golden Rules:

1) There is NO good buffet under 20 quid in London or 20 euros on the Continent or 20 bucks on the Stateside. It's just the way the world food prices are. For anything under 20 units of currency you get served chewable muck.

2) Jack of all trades - master of none. So very true for restaurants too: it's next to impossible to be good at Thai AND Indian AND Chinese AND Italian unless you can afford to hire a specialist chef for each. Which for 20 quid a pop you simply can't.

So here's a breakdown:

Indian - was the best of the lot because it must have been their original specialty. When you keep the same pot warmed up the whole day, naturally the flavour goes but overall even the huge chunks of chicken breast were munchable. Just. They do fix your own naan to your liking. Nice touch.

Score: 6 out of 10. Should be actually 5 but the lamb kebab has redeemed the other 8 pots of lackadaisical fare.

Thai - a single pot of green curry was there to stand for the whole exuberance of Thai cuisine. It featured the same huge chunks of chicken breast in a fierely salty gravy that faintly smelled of fish sauce and lemon grass. No veggies in sight. Honestly, I couldn't bring myself to finish it.

Score: 2 out of 10. You didn't even try guys.

Italian - the bruschetta was nice but the pizzas were frozen ones from Tesco. They also had 2 pots of pasta but the Milanese lady who was with me wouldn't touch those. Neither did I but just because I found it difficult to get excited about repeatedly reheated gnocchi and fettucine.

Score: 4 out 10 and that's generous considered that it wasn't even Tesco's Finest.

Chinese - well, it was authentic if your idea of Chinese is a 8-quid all-you-can-eat at Leicester Square. Day-Glo colours - electric red, shocking orange - this resto must be keeping in business a really huge chemical factory somewhere in China. And - SALTY! - I swear, enough salt to make a medium-sized swimming pool inhabitable for marine fauna. Same huge chunks of chicken breast and hardly any veg in sight.

Score: 3 out of 10. It was just marginally better than the Thai "single-curry section" - 1 extra point for the variety.

Salad bar - sliced and chopped anaemic edibles with a choice of four heavy sauces. The variety and presentation of a Soviet-style canteen.

Score: 4 out of 10, for trying. I know how hard it is to procure vegetables that actually taste or smell like something in the midst of winter in a northern country. You guys have failed but so have many others.

Dessert - cheapest cakes on the market with dollops of whipped cream, tasteless fruit salad and 3 bowls with oranges, pears and green apples. Yummm. Overall cost must not have been more than 10 pounds.

Score: 4 out of 10. I guess you can't really expect masterpieces of patisserie for 14 quid a head. Oh well.

Conclusion: The worst of takeaways lined up on heated plates in a post-modern urban café interior. Recommended if your only objective is to stuff your face on limited budget.

I am glad I was in the company of two beautiful and smart young ladies who were gracious enough not to mention that I have ruined their culinary experience by dragging them to Kitchin N1. Sorry, ladies, I'll listen to you next time!